Chaos in my mind
“Will I be successful after I graduated college?”
This question always lingers in my mind. It’s really funny that I always think if I’d be successful someday even though I didn’t even know what kind of course I’ll take in college. As a senior highschool student who will graduate next year, choosing a course in college is so fvckin’ difficult. You know why? Let me ask you first, do you have a course in your mind that you really wanna pursue? what would you do if you can’t even pursue it because of financial problem? It sucks right? I really envy those people who are born with golden spoon in their mouth. Every night I’m crying because I always think about what will happen to me in the future. I really want to take up Psychology but sadly, we can’t afford it. I can’t even think properly when I hear from my parents mouth that I can’t take my dream course because we’re financially unstable. So, here I am..thinking about what will I be in the future..
“You’re so pretty!”
No. I’m not pretty, gorgeous, or beautiful. Whenever I received compliments from others, especially compliments on my face, I’m not really taking it seriously. I’m really insecure on the beauty of others. I always say:
“Embrace your assets, girlies!”
“Be proud of your self.”
etc. I’m always good at cheering up other people but why can’t I even cheer my self up? I can’t even embrace my own beauty because I’m an ugly kid back then.
Crying every night because of financial problems really sucks. You envy those people who are enjoying their teenage life without thinking about the “money problem”. I hate those noises every time my parents fighting because we’re lacking out of money.
This three thoughts are always in my mind every night. Sometimes I’m thinking about giving up. Living not easy when you already realize what is life no? You started to doubt your self, you think of giving up your life, and you feel like you’re always empty. You’re not sad but you’re not happy either. You keep living but you feel like you’re dead inside.
I wish I can escape this chaos in my mind, because it’s giving me a reason to live and give up.
